When we were on holiday this year, we stayed in a hotel which only had German music channels. This gave us a chance to soak up quite a lot of German hip hop, which was so hypnotically execrable we almost ended up rather liking it in a ‘doing impressions of this while drunk on holiday is LOLs’ sort of way. Anyway, ven ve came back, we were determined to look up some more, and that is how we alighted upon MC Basstard.

MC Basstard is a 'horrorcore' rapper from Germany, who along with other actual grown-ups called Massiv (i.e. not massive) and King Orgasmus (i.e. not orgasmic), makes what he reckons are scary or rude records which will upset your mum. Common themes in German porn/horrorcore seem to be arson, death, being a bit ticked-off and bumming girls without making sure they have a nice time too (or 'being shit in bed'). MC Basstard also has a fiddly chinbeard which makes him look like A Fat One out of East 17. Here he is:

How old do you think he is, readers? 43? A hopelessly badly preserved 37? Either way, it is probably fair to say that he has a face only a mutti could love. Although she probably does not love him now, because this is what he does in lieu of a real job:

WHY IN GOD’S NAME IS HE SHOUTING, READERS? IZIT BECUZ HE IZ SHT? That was a ‘promo’ for his album, you understand. It is meant to be a delicious aural canape which persuades you to part with your money and buy ze whole album. Do it work? No.

Of course, it would be wrong of us to presume that because we sink it is shit, everyone does. So in the interests of research, we went to see vot the people of the internet were saying. And underneath the above youtubular, we found this:

Hmn. Who put that there? Maybe someone else will have something nice to say about one of his other videos.

Oh dear. Anyway, surely the main point of Basstard's ‘oeuvre’ is that it is scary. So let’s have a look at the video for Fegefeuer, which means ‘purgatory’. Ponder the wisdom of calling your record 'purgatory' while you listen:

Woo, he said pentagram. We are frightened now. But are the people of the internet?

I think that is a nein. Poor MC Basstard :(

Go to MC Basstard's myspace, if you DARRRREE. FYI it is shit.