NR ONE is a record label from that hotbed of rock'n'roll bedlam, Norwich. And while there are lots of very obviously mean things you can say about Norwich, we are not going to waste our time here with jokes about cracking owl sanctuaries, travel taverns and monkey tennis, though they are obviously LOLs. Also, our sister lives there, we have been quite a lot, and it is a nice place to live. Especially if you are the sort of throwback who doesn't don't want to run into too many black people.

Anyway, there we were, having our weekly top-level, blue-sky, outside-the-box Weekly Lipster Board Meeting of Dread and going through all the records. Sadly for NR ONE (who had sent us quite a few) they were all amazingly craptacular. So here is why they are The Worst Label In The World:

First things first. NR ONE are named after the central postcode of Norwich. And that is probably a good idea for a company name if you come from somewhere quite eventful - like say, South Central LA. You know:

Compared to:

The second thing is that NR ONE are not even based in the NR1. We know this because it says so on the press release.

They are lying to us readers. They are not in the NR1 postcode region, but N7, which is actually a place called Sprowston. Our good friend Simon Schama (i.e. Wikipedia) tells us that Sprowston was originally called 'Sprowestuna' which is Anglo Saxon for 'abhorrent indie comes from here' or 'our records honk like fish'. Thank you for clearing that up, Simon.

Also, their logo is terrible. Here it is, speaking for itself, loud and clear:

The next thing is that an awful lot of the bands NR ONE sent us appear to be on the wrong side of the youth wall. By which we mean they are Getting A Bit Old For This Game. To wit:

The Unremarkables

Aeroplane

Fuck Dress (woo, they swore, etc)

To be fair, it is not really possible to tell if Fuck Dress are old from the above photo. Although you will have to believe us when we say that EVERY SINGLE ONE of their myspace pictures is taken from really, really, really far away. So they are either really really old or a bit Merrick. Either way, one of them is bald and their records are shit.

Speaking of Fuck 'woo, we just swore' Dress, they made a song called Suburban Nietsche Freak and have put it on the internet for you to 'enjoy'. Here it is:

What is interesting about Fuck Dress is that they seem to have settled on a 'comedic' image with 'amusing' entries on their myspace page so that if you do not like their records, they can just say they were JO-KING all along. We cannot remember who said it but somebody brilliant did once utter the words 'Irony means never having to say you're sorry' which we feel is rather apt in this case. Although we would still like Fuck Dress to apologise to us.

As for The Unremarkables, they make what PRs tend to call 'straight-ahead' indie. Beware of 'straight-ahead' indie, readers. Because if someone sends you an email about a band to try and get you to promote their records and they call them 'straight-ahead', what they really mean is that they are a sorry sack of aural piss and that they are embarrassed to a) promote them or b) make a half-arsed attempt to get you to like them via the medium of promotional email. But we digress. Here is the cover for The Unremarkables new EP:

You can see them in the pub, really, after their wives dropped them off for their funny little weekly 'jam', wondering what to call themselves. Again, we direct you to the wise quote above re irony. In any event, all you need to know is that in the reviews section of their myspace they have an AMAZING ten out of ten review from Norwich's premier online youth'n'music website. The point is that if you honestly believe they are ten out of ten we will give you five million pounds and respectfully suggest you have gone a bit slurred in the head like Kerry Katona.

Lastly (though believe us when we say we could go on), we have Norwich 'punks' Rosalita. Myspace genre definitions are usually quite lols or at the very least instructive, but for some reason Rosalita have put this:

Either they are actually gay, or they are not gay and are using the word gay because they think it is funny. In any event they too are shit, as evidenced by this 'classic' from the Rosalita canon which is called What Would Your Mother Say:

To be honest, we are not sure what our mothers would say, but we will have a go anyway. Perhaps something along the lines of 'Wendy, this is dogshit'. Not that our mum says 'dogshit' but you get the idea. We fully realise this is intended to be a daring record which will annoy your parents, but if Rosalita are what rebellion looks like, we will eat our own body weight in crack cocaine washed down with a pint of wee.

NR ONE are on the internets here although all of the myspace links to their bands are broken. LOLS!

If you would like to nominate a band/label/musical personage for our Hall of Lame, simply email crap@thelipster.com.