Each week we review the forthcoming weeks' singles on a visual theme. And this week, it is FOOD.

HYDRO – SUGAR FT. CHE’NELLE/CROWD GOES WILD FT. BUSTA RHYMES

According to the press release, hip hop’s Son of a Bishop Tim Westwood is ‘really feelin’ Hydro’. We are not. Sugar is quite a nice ‘slow jam’ and everything, and has that chipmunk effect on the ladyvocals, but really, a Value tea towel has more innovation. Perhaps it is useful if one is in the habit of lighting candles, giving backrubs and pouring large brandies in order to sex up your 'shorty', but we are fairly sure that is not in our plans for this weekend.

If this record was food, it would be:

TOWERS OF LONDON – NAKED ON THE DANCEFLOOR

Towers of London, officially the thickest band on the planet, have called in some knock-out lovelies for their video, who are all styled a la Katy Perry. And very nice they look too. How persons of regular intelligence/non-mentalists are supposed to swallow the idea that said lovelies would throw themselves at ver Towers is one we will leave hanging there.

If this record was food, it would be:

PETE MOLINARI - ONE STOLEN MOMENT EP

This reminds us of both the Everley Brothers and singing tramp Bob Dylan. Utterly inoffensive strum pop it may be, but this is music for people who find the modern world an iccle bit fwightening. So if you have one of those ceiling-strung wicker chairs and think a mouse is something that lives in a skirting board eating dinner off a table which is actually a cotton reel, do go out and get this.

If this record was food, it would be:

OASIS – SHOCK OF THE LIGHTNING

Despite our marked lack of interest in Oasis’ long player, we have suffered the single in order to tell you that this, predictably, is as boring as spending a week round political pigface Hazel Blears' house while she gets you in a killer deathgaze and tells you all about the 'par-teh' . Full marks for use of the word 'litany' though they do follow it with a reference to a magical mysteryzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

If this record was food, it would be:

SPIRITUALIZED – YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT

When Spiritualized played at ATP they made us cry. And that is fine, because we are a silly old sausage whose buttons are pushed by gospel ladies. Except that the boys we were with were boo-hoo-hoo-ing too. It were epiphanies o-clock, man. Anyway, Spiritualized screw up our culinary-based reviewing system because obvo when one is off one's head on disco biscuits, crazy powder and oblivion rocks, one does not actually fancy eating anything. This sounds exactly as you would expect it to – a tsunami of fuzz and bitterness, and that is no bad thing. Points deducted for the video, which is directed by the impossibly berksome Jake Chapman.

If this record was food, it would be:

DAWN LANDES - STRAIGHT LINES/YOUNG FOLKS

Dawn Landes' Straight Lines will be familiar to London-based readers who have seen the unbelievably cute Transport for London cycling advert. It is the one where the painted bike signs on the road unstick themselves and scoot about in a city of swaying trees, dogshitless pavements and smiling pedestrians. The fact that this bears no resemblance whatsoever to actual real-life London should not be held against Dawn, who has pure clear chops which give Vashti Bunyan a run for her sandals. Unfortunately James Blunt likes her. They should not put that in the press release.

If this record was food, it would be: